Well, today I got a call from my oncologist.  My CT scan was good-no problems with my organs.  Everything was normal except for the lymph nodes in my arm pit.  My blood test results came back and they show that my lymphocytes show to be 5200 so that means I have CLL and not SLL like she had previously suspected.  Any count over 5000 is diagnosed as CLL.  Since I have CLL, and not SLL they will not do radiation on the lymph nodes since they are enlarged as a result of the leukemia.

All my other blood counts are normal, I don’t have anemia, my spleen and liver are not enlarged, and I don’t have any symptoms so she thinks I am in the early stages.  I will go in to see her on January 5th to talk more with her and have blood drawn so they can do more extensive testing on my blood to get more information about my disease.

I am coming to terms with this information--I have been on such a roller coaster the past month.  I have been very close to crying this evening.  First I am told I have CLL, then told I don’t’ have CLL but have SLL, and now I am diagnosed with CLL. I had hoped that I would have been able to have the radiation on the lymph nodes and be done and not have to worry about this anymore. It scares me--I don’t know what to expect or how long my life will be.  I want to live and see my grandchildren grow up, see my children doing well, and I don’t want to leave my husband and the rest of my family. I feel guilty/bad about “getting sick” and causing strain on my family.  I am not afraid of eternity--I am ready, but I am not in a hurry to die.

 I know God is in control and this is not a surprise to him.  I know that he loves me and will take care of me.  I know all these truths but still sometimes it becomes overwhelming to me.  All I can do is pray and trust God to take care of me.  It’s not that I have some “super” faith, I can’t do anything about this disease and know that I am helpless to do anything so I have to lean on God for comfort and peace.  Sometimes Satan puts ideas and doubt in my mind and I just have to force myself to not think about it and pray to God for peace.