This all started October 14, 2016 when I had my annual mammogram- I go and have mine done once a year, usually in October.  I thought it was going to be just my normal mammogram, but that is not how it turned out.  My mammogram results came back normal so I thought I was done until next year.

I received a call from my gynecologist office that I had enlarged lymph nodes in my left armpit and I needed to have an ultrasound done to check it out.  So, I scheduled my ultrasound for November 15th.

I really thought that it was not going to be anything.  I went in to the Women’s Breast Center at Mercy and they did an ultrasound on both my right and left sides.  I had no problems on my right side, but enlarged lymph nodes on my left side.  The radiologist came in to talk with me.  He explained to me that I had 3 enlarged lymph nodes and that normally lymph nodes have a thin outer layer and a larger, soft inside.  Mine have a thicker outer layer.  He said that I had 2 choices, I could have a biopsy done or I could come back in 6 months and have another ultrasound to see if they had changed.  He told me that enlarged lymph nodes are a symptom of lymphoma, leukemia, and other illnesses and infections.  Since I had an aunt with lymphoma and an uncle with leukemia, I decided to have the biopsy.

On Friday, December 9th, I went to have my biopsy.  They had told me when I had my ultrasound that infections and even the flu shot could cause your lymph nodes to enlarge so I had decided in my mind that it was probably due to my flu shot since I have that in my left arm.  I wasn’t really all that concerned.

The biopsy wasn’t too bad, they gave me shots of some pain medication to numb me so they could do the biopsy.  I was more concerned with how the pain medication made my heart beat fast.  I thought, “I hope I don’t have a heart attack here on the table!”  They told me that it was normal and it would go away if I ate something.  They took 4 samples from one lymph node and told me it would be Tuesday before they had the results and that they would call me Monday evening to check on my and again Tuesday when they had my results.  I expected to get a call that everything was fine and be done.

On Monday evening I got an email telling me that I had new test results on the “mymercy” website.  I logged in to see the results.  I have to say it was not what I expected or wanted to see.  There were results and things there that I didn’t understand but at the top, my primary care doctor  had written the following message:

     “ I just read the results of your recent biopsy.  As you may already know, it showed CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia).  We need to have you see an oncologist soon.  I’ll make a quick referral for you.”

Words cannot explain how I felt!  I didn’t already know!  I didn’t even know what CLL was!  I was home alone with nobody to talk to--my husband was at work.  I got on the computer and “googled” CLL to find something out about it.

I tried calling my daughter, but she had already gone to bed.  I called my parents and talked to them--I hated to because I knew it would upset them and make the worry.  I also talked to one of my sisters about it.  I just needed someone to talk to.

I didn’t want to tell my husband about it until he got home--I didn’t want him to get upset and have a wreck (he is a truck driver).  I did finally tell him because he called talking about needing to buy a new car and I told him he might want to hold off on that and then I told him about the message I had received.

The next morning I told my daughter and tried to make it not seem like a big deal so she wouldn’t worry--of course I knew she would be researching CLL as soon as she could.  I knew I also needed to tell my son--I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else.  I really hated to have to tell him--I knew he would worry and get real quiet.  After I told him, I called my daughter and told her she might be hearing from her brother.  She told me later that she had talked to him.

On Tuesday I was called by the Women’s Breast Center with the results.  I told the nurse that I kind of already knew because of the message I had gotten the night before.  She couldn’t understand why they had sent me that message.  She told me I would be hearing from an oncologist either today, Tuesday, or Wednesday.  I didn’t hear anything until Wednesday.

On Wednesday, I got my call from the oncology office.  I will see the oncologist on December 22nd at 9 am.  I am looking forward to talking with her to find out about my disease and what to expect.  I think I am in the early stages because I don’t have any symptoms and my white blood count is still in the normal range.  I don’t want to be too optimistic though so I’m not disappointed.

I try not to think about it.  I pray a lot asking God for grace and to heal me if it is his will, and tell him I don’t want to die yet and leave my family.  Tuesday night was my hardest time-  I felt like crying most of the evening.  I try not to let others know that it worries me--try to put on a brave face because I don’t want others to worry and feel bad.  I am more concerned with their feelings and making this easier for them.  I pray when I see the oncologist that it is good news.  I know it is in God’s hands and with God nothing is impossible and I just have to keep remembering it.  I have been told I have a good attitude about this--don’t know that is necessarily true.  I just have to not think about it--or I could really let it get to me.  I have to go on like nothing has changed.  I know my family loves me, prays for me, and is there for me.

The one thing I want to say is, ladies get your mammogram!  If it hadn’t been for mine I would not have known I had CLL and wouldn’t be getting treatment if needed.  It isn’t fun getting this disease, but at least they found it early so something can be done.