I haven't written anything here for a while.  I am feeling fine and don't have any symptoms still.  This post is mainly to "voice" how I feel about people and their opinions about my CLL.

I guess people feel like they have to figure out something to blame in order to explain why things happen.  I am sure that is human nature to want to know why, but that doesn't make a person feel any better.  I am sure nobody means to make me feel bad.

This week, there was a posting on facebook saying that drinking diet cherry zero with aspartame causes CLL.  So of course, since I drink that I guess people think I gave myself CLL.  I tried to deal with the subject when it was brought up to me, explaining that there is no way we can eat or drink anything that it doesn't have some chemical in it.  I also told my mother that "splenda" the other sweetener will probably be reported to cause health problems too in the future.  I told her that if you gave people the huge doses of things like they do test rats then I could see there would be a cause for concern.  I told her that I have an appointment with my oncologist on the 9th and I would ask her about this "report".  I thought the subject had been taken care of.  I talked with my sister about my conversation with our mother and told her what I had said.  I guess later, my mother told her that she had "gotten into trouble with me".  I was surprised to hear that she felt that way, all I did was explain to her what I had been told and how I felt.

After my conversation with my mother I went online and found an article written by the American Cancer Society that addressed the subject of aspartame and leukemia.  This article states that there is no proof that aspartame causes leukemia.  I copied that article and posted it on facebook but didn't address it to my mother--just said "I have had several people mention to me that they saw on facebook that aspartame causes leukemia.  I don't give much credence to most of what I read on facebook as "fact".  Thought this might clear things up a little."  Nobody "liked" or commented on my post.

Today, my mother posts that after she read on facebook that aspartame causes CLL she went to the store and bought Diet Coke sweetened with splenda and that it tastes good.  I felt like her post was directed straight at me.

People don't realize what it is like to live with a disease that you can't do anything about.  I didn't do anything to cause this and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.  Trying to place the blame on what caused it doesn't help me at all!  I just need people to love me and pray for me.  I know that I am powerless with this disease and am trusting God to do what is best for me and in his will.  I know he can heal me of the disease if it is his will---I just have to trust him and not doubt him.  I just  have to live my life every day and not think about or worry about my CLL---I can't let it control my life.